Back in 1963, Betty Friedan published a ground-breaking work of American feminist literature, The Feminine Mystique. In that book, Friedan suggested that many American women felt trapped as housewives, in part because the vast majority of housework (the expected primary occupation of women) could be accomplished by an 8-year-old child. She decried the infatalization of women and the several intellectual systems (including Freudian psychoanalysis and certain social sciences) which created a belief in society that women were less capable than their male counterparts.
The Feminine Mystique is not without its problems. It over-simplifies the issues, has a marked middle-class bias, and the writing could be better. But it raised an important point, than now, in watching the early seasons of AMC's Mad Men can be seen acted out in lovely costumes and exciting plot lines. Women were treated like small children, first by their fathers, then by their husbands. Anyone who existed outside this mold was likely a lesbian or otherwise mentally ill.
In the nearly 50 years since the publication of that book, society has changed. Women now have higher rates of achieving university degrees and have access to fields they didn't in the 1960s. Our mothers were told they could have it all, by the women's movement, then later by the manufacturers of hair colour and cigarettes.
As women have taken more responsibility outside the home, however, something odd has happened. They haven't let go of their responsibilities in the home. Instead, many women work what has been called "the second shift," coming home and bearing the responsibility for kids and household. And our popular culture represents men as idiots.
That's right. Watch any family sitcom, listen to any stand up comic who talks about his family, and... well, if the space aliens are learning about us from our television, they must assume that the average married American male is functionally retarded.
This clip is just one of dozens of examples.
My point is this: we've gone from treating women like infants to treating men like infants. We find it funny when men can't manage to change a diaper or clean a kitchen, but a woman must do this in heels, while supervising everything her children do and holding a full time job.
If said woman fails at any of these things or asks for help, she is a failure. I know dozens of intelligent women with university degrees who spend much of their time trying to keep all of these plates spinning.
But I don't think I should have to ask for help. Simply put, when I have to ask my husband to help, that is one more bloody thing I have to do. Furthermore, it creates an unequal power dynamic. All at once, it sets me up as the weaker party: I am coming to him because I cannot handle my role in the household. (As opposed to his role which is to bitch about the water bill and overstimulate the baby.) It also, however, sets me up in a supervisory capacity for things that regard our child-- he does it and asks me if he did it right.
And I'm supposed to be proud of him for getting a diaper on right, or not letting her drown in her bath, or cutting her nails without damage to either party involved. I'm just over it.
We need to treat men like adults.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Working Mama
That's right, I got a job.
I'm going to be an adjunct instructor of *insert liberal arts discipline here.* Translated from academic-ese, that basically means I get paid peanuts and am considered one, very tiny step above the cleaning crew in importance. My office, assuming I get one, will be in a basement of a building no where near where I teach or where my department resides, and will be tiny and mostly likely shared with 2 or 3 people who likely bathe infrequently and need said office exactly when I do.
But it is a job. Three days a week, I will have to get up early, leave the house alone, and converse with grown ups regularly about topics other than the Bug's bowel movements and sleep habits.*
I am terrified. Of leaving her, of realizing I like working more than I like being at home with her, that I will no longer like the work I enjoyed before her.
But I don't really have time for that. We have to find daycare instead. Yikes. Also, I have to relearn how to walk in big girl shoes.
*Please note that I use the term "grown ups" a bit loosely here: I will be teaching college kids. According to the law, they are adults. In my past experience, they don't behave as such, but they won't generally talk about poop with me. Nor, in fact, will they poop on me.
I'm going to be an adjunct instructor of *insert liberal arts discipline here.* Translated from academic-ese, that basically means I get paid peanuts and am considered one, very tiny step above the cleaning crew in importance. My office, assuming I get one, will be in a basement of a building no where near where I teach or where my department resides, and will be tiny and mostly likely shared with 2 or 3 people who likely bathe infrequently and need said office exactly when I do.
But it is a job. Three days a week, I will have to get up early, leave the house alone, and converse with grown ups regularly about topics other than the Bug's bowel movements and sleep habits.*
I am terrified. Of leaving her, of realizing I like working more than I like being at home with her, that I will no longer like the work I enjoyed before her.
But I don't really have time for that. We have to find daycare instead. Yikes. Also, I have to relearn how to walk in big girl shoes.
*Please note that I use the term "grown ups" a bit loosely here: I will be teaching college kids. According to the law, they are adults. In my past experience, they don't behave as such, but they won't generally talk about poop with me. Nor, in fact, will they poop on me.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Babies Have Personal Space, Too
I'm not a germaphobe. DH is, but me... I figure most germs won't kill her, so I'm not going to get goofy about it.
For example, DH feels that if a pacifier touches the floor, it needs to be sterilized in boiling water. I, on the other hand, when he's not looking, brush off the visible dog hair and give it back to her. Maybe this blog shouldn't be "Mom Snark" but should instead be "Slacker Mom," I don't know.
But, we were just out to lunch, and this random woman, en route from the washroom to her table, felt it was completely her right to run her hand over my child's head. She didn't say a word to us, just touched my baby and carried on. Now, no doubt, she is one of the 97% of women who say they wash their hands. My problem is this, according to the Minnesota Department of Health, only 75% actually do wash their hands. What if she's in that other 25%?
I understand that it is unlikely that the Bug will come to harm due to this incident. But, seriously. If it a situation where you wouldn't touch an adult, why would you touch a child?
So for all the people who think it is okay to touch the babies of people you don't know, let me explain it simply:
Keep your freaking nasty hands away from my child unless I say it is okay. If you don't, I will feel free to caress your head or feet or whatever.
Thank you very much.
For example, DH feels that if a pacifier touches the floor, it needs to be sterilized in boiling water. I, on the other hand, when he's not looking, brush off the visible dog hair and give it back to her. Maybe this blog shouldn't be "Mom Snark" but should instead be "Slacker Mom," I don't know.
But, we were just out to lunch, and this random woman, en route from the washroom to her table, felt it was completely her right to run her hand over my child's head. She didn't say a word to us, just touched my baby and carried on. Now, no doubt, she is one of the 97% of women who say they wash their hands. My problem is this, according to the Minnesota Department of Health, only 75% actually do wash their hands. What if she's in that other 25%?
I understand that it is unlikely that the Bug will come to harm due to this incident. But, seriously. If it a situation where you wouldn't touch an adult, why would you touch a child?
So for all the people who think it is okay to touch the babies of people you don't know, let me explain it simply:
Keep your freaking nasty hands away from my child unless I say it is okay. If you don't, I will feel free to caress your head or feet or whatever.
Thank you very much.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
How to Accomplish Some Academic Writing
How to write a 400-500 word abstract supposing one would like to present at an academic conference.
Before motherhood and maternity leave:
1. Go to office.
2. Piddle for a while: get a coffee, chat with neighbours, check mail, read e-mail and internet forums.
3. Open blank word document.
4. Stare at said document.
5. Surf internet again. There's this big world out there, and you need to know what's going on in it. Barring that, there's always YouTube.
6. Bang out 500 words at a rate of roughly 3 buzzwords per minute.
7. Show said 500 words to your neighbours who will offer helpful ideas like "you could put another buzzword there" and "are you sure 'intertextualize' is a word?" and "wanna grab a beer instead of write this abstract?"
8. Hit save button. Assume it is good enough.
9. Call it a day and go for the afore mentioned beer.
How to accomplish this same task during maternity leave:
1. Attempt to write during nap time.
2. Discover that it is impossible to simultaneously worry about the 700 lbs of laundry that have piled up, because no matter how hard you try, you just can't manage it without help that, because of your employment status, you cannot afford.
3. Give up, start laundry, discover that darling child has woken up and is hungry and messy.
4. Try again. Fail miserably, because how could anyone manage to write anything intelligent when the kitchen is this messy?
5. Remember that the above is why you used to go to the office to work, and why you miss having an office desperately.
6. Mention to Darling Husband the difficulty of trying to write while being a mommy. Have him offer, from the goodness of his heart, to baby wrangle for a couple of hours while you go write for a while.
7. Provide sexual favour to afore mentioned spouse for spending 2 hours doing what you do every day.
8. When the appointed day arrives, remind your spouse that he said he do this. Do not accept, even for a minute, his claim of forgetfulness.
9. Leave baby with husband, trying very hard to ignore mom-guilt and pile of dirty laundry. Pile of dirty laundry won't get substantially worse whilst you are gone.
10. Go to café. Set up laptop, pretend decaf is just as good as the real stuff.
11. Write like a crazy person.
12. Realize you aren't 100% sure if the buzzwords you used to use are still buzzwords or are now just lame.
13. Pee. Decaf may not be all of that, but your bladder ain't what she used to be.
14. Try to ignore all of the interesting strangers at the café.
15. Relish being in public without people criticizing your parenting or commenting on the handsomeness of your baby boy, who oddly is dressed in a pink dress.
16. Realize that your 2 hours are nearly at an end, and speed home with 350 passable words, and remain unconvinced by decaf.
Before motherhood and maternity leave:
1. Go to office.
2. Piddle for a while: get a coffee, chat with neighbours, check mail, read e-mail and internet forums.
3. Open blank word document.
4. Stare at said document.
5. Surf internet again. There's this big world out there, and you need to know what's going on in it. Barring that, there's always YouTube.
6. Bang out 500 words at a rate of roughly 3 buzzwords per minute.
7. Show said 500 words to your neighbours who will offer helpful ideas like "you could put another buzzword there" and "are you sure 'intertextualize' is a word?" and "wanna grab a beer instead of write this abstract?"
8. Hit save button. Assume it is good enough.
9. Call it a day and go for the afore mentioned beer.
How to accomplish this same task during maternity leave:
1. Attempt to write during nap time.
2. Discover that it is impossible to simultaneously worry about the 700 lbs of laundry that have piled up, because no matter how hard you try, you just can't manage it without help that, because of your employment status, you cannot afford.
3. Give up, start laundry, discover that darling child has woken up and is hungry and messy.
4. Try again. Fail miserably, because how could anyone manage to write anything intelligent when the kitchen is this messy?
5. Remember that the above is why you used to go to the office to work, and why you miss having an office desperately.
6. Mention to Darling Husband the difficulty of trying to write while being a mommy. Have him offer, from the goodness of his heart, to baby wrangle for a couple of hours while you go write for a while.
7. Provide sexual favour to afore mentioned spouse for spending 2 hours doing what you do every day.
8. When the appointed day arrives, remind your spouse that he said he do this. Do not accept, even for a minute, his claim of forgetfulness.
9. Leave baby with husband, trying very hard to ignore mom-guilt and pile of dirty laundry. Pile of dirty laundry won't get substantially worse whilst you are gone.
10. Go to café. Set up laptop, pretend decaf is just as good as the real stuff.
11. Write like a crazy person.
12. Realize you aren't 100% sure if the buzzwords you used to use are still buzzwords or are now just lame.
13. Pee. Decaf may not be all of that, but your bladder ain't what she used to be.
14. Try to ignore all of the interesting strangers at the café.
15. Relish being in public without people criticizing your parenting or commenting on the handsomeness of your baby boy, who oddly is dressed in a pink dress.
16. Realize that your 2 hours are nearly at an end, and speed home with 350 passable words, and remain unconvinced by decaf.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Non-Mom Uses for Mom Products
While it is tempting to make a joke of this and say that the best non-mom use of a nursing pad is as an on-the-fly young boy's yarmulke, in all seriousness, I've found some great uses for stuff I didn't even have in my life before the Bug.
1. Diapers: disposable diapers absorb vast quantities of liquid. They are awesome for wiping up spills. Recently, I used some ones the Bug had outgrown to get the standing water out of my dishwasher which crapped out on us mid-cycle. My mother-in-law who is a painter uses outgrown disposable diapers
Traditional and pre-fold cloth diapers are awesome for dusting and washing windows. Just be sure to clean them first.
2. Wipes: OMG! these things are awesome. They can be used to clean almost anything, they remove make up gently, are gentler on hands than hand sanitizer, wipe up messes, and make passable kleenex. If there is a "fur baby" in your life, wipes can be used to clean dirty paws, face smudge, and messes that the furry little bastard may make. Hint: get the "gentle" or otherwise marked unscented option... firstly, it is better for baby's delicate skin, secondly if you use it on your face, you won't smell like whatever some chemist thinks a baby bum should smell like.
3. The boxes diapers come in are fantastic boxes. They have handles, they are sturdy. I'm totally waiting until after we've finished moving to even consider switching to cloth.
4. Diaper rash cream: it works by almost anything that makes you red or itchy. Just don't use the Boudreax's Butt Paste... it is great on baby bums, but it smells like bacon. Trust me, you don't want to smell like that all day because of a mosquito bites.
I'm going to continue looking for new uses for these things. I'm all about frugal, and I'm all about having fewer stacks of crap and not having a 500 lb diaper bag.
1. Diapers: disposable diapers absorb vast quantities of liquid. They are awesome for wiping up spills. Recently, I used some ones the Bug had outgrown to get the standing water out of my dishwasher which crapped out on us mid-cycle. My mother-in-law who is a painter uses outgrown disposable diapers
Traditional and pre-fold cloth diapers are awesome for dusting and washing windows. Just be sure to clean them first.
2. Wipes: OMG! these things are awesome. They can be used to clean almost anything, they remove make up gently, are gentler on hands than hand sanitizer, wipe up messes, and make passable kleenex. If there is a "fur baby" in your life, wipes can be used to clean dirty paws, face smudge, and messes that the furry little bastard may make. Hint: get the "gentle" or otherwise marked unscented option... firstly, it is better for baby's delicate skin, secondly if you use it on your face, you won't smell like whatever some chemist thinks a baby bum should smell like.
3. The boxes diapers come in are fantastic boxes. They have handles, they are sturdy. I'm totally waiting until after we've finished moving to even consider switching to cloth.
4. Diaper rash cream: it works by almost anything that makes you red or itchy. Just don't use the Boudreax's Butt Paste... it is great on baby bums, but it smells like bacon. Trust me, you don't want to smell like that all day because of a mosquito bites.
I'm going to continue looking for new uses for these things. I'm all about frugal, and I'm all about having fewer stacks of crap and not having a 500 lb diaper bag.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Priorities (the Mom Snark Manifesto)
I read a variety of Mommy Blogs and various forums about babies and children. There is at least one forum I participate it because I genuinely love the people there, but there are some that I read largely for the fun of judging people.
One of those, however, recently made me think about something, and think hard. It posed the following question:
All I can think of, though is the old saying "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Ignoring the double negative there, it is true. If I don't take the time to be right with myself, how can I take care of my child or my spouse? If I'm strung out, unwashed and still in my PJs at 6pm who does that serve, even if the Bug is bathed, dressed, and entertained in the scientifically proven best way for her developmental stage? I'm not saying that I plunk her in front of the TV while I have a spa retreat, or hand her off to the homeless while I get a bikini wax, but I do try to take time for myself every day. I look at taking time to renew myself as my responsibility to her: if I am refreshed, I can be fully present to being her mom. If I am fulfilled in my own being, I can have the energy and love to give to her.
Furthermore, if she sees me being a fulfilled individual apart from her, she will have an example of what it is to be a well-rounded adult, which might lead her to aspire to be many things, not only a mommy. I want her to be a great mom someday, but I also want her to have a career that challenges her, friends she enjoys, and a sense of self-confidence. Also, I would like to be more than a husk of my former self as I see her off to college. While being a parent doesn't really end, it will certainly be less time-consuming when she's 30 (I hope).
So I take care of myself. I do this because it is the only way I can have something of myself to give to my daughter, my husband, and my friends.
(Next time, the lighter side: non-mom uses for mommy products)
One of those, however, recently made me think about something, and think hard. It posed the following question:
I was just curious about how other moms feel, do you put your DH/SO first or your kids. It seems like a hard choice to make but my vote is for my kids. I do believe that if I am happy my son will be happy, but I feel as though I will always be a mom not necessarily someone's spouse.The poster then continues to offer a poll which allows people to rank what order they prioritize the elements of their life. In the comments below that, the general consensus is either that paying attention to one's spouse is important, but anyone who says that they put anyone other than their children first is clearly so selfish that they don't deserve to have children at all.
All I can think of, though is the old saying "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Ignoring the double negative there, it is true. If I don't take the time to be right with myself, how can I take care of my child or my spouse? If I'm strung out, unwashed and still in my PJs at 6pm who does that serve, even if the Bug is bathed, dressed, and entertained in the scientifically proven best way for her developmental stage? I'm not saying that I plunk her in front of the TV while I have a spa retreat, or hand her off to the homeless while I get a bikini wax, but I do try to take time for myself every day. I look at taking time to renew myself as my responsibility to her: if I am refreshed, I can be fully present to being her mom. If I am fulfilled in my own being, I can have the energy and love to give to her.
Furthermore, if she sees me being a fulfilled individual apart from her, she will have an example of what it is to be a well-rounded adult, which might lead her to aspire to be many things, not only a mommy. I want her to be a great mom someday, but I also want her to have a career that challenges her, friends she enjoys, and a sense of self-confidence. Also, I would like to be more than a husk of my former self as I see her off to college. While being a parent doesn't really end, it will certainly be less time-consuming when she's 30 (I hope).
So I take care of myself. I do this because it is the only way I can have something of myself to give to my daughter, my husband, and my friends.
(Next time, the lighter side: non-mom uses for mommy products)
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Things I Swore I Would Never Do
or Famous Last Words
Before I became a mother, I swore that there were things I would never do, ways I would never behave, things I would never say. Some of them, I have stuck with. I would like to imagine that my conversations are not 100% about the Bug, and I would also like to imagine that I have never said "well, you aren't a parent, so you can't understand."
But, here is a list of the things I never thought I would say or do that I do, in fact, say and do.
Before I became a mother, I swore that there were things I would never do, ways I would never behave, things I would never say. Some of them, I have stuck with. I would like to imagine that my conversations are not 100% about the Bug, and I would also like to imagine that I have never said "well, you aren't a parent, so you can't understand."
But, here is a list of the things I never thought I would say or do that I do, in fact, say and do.
- Sniff at my child's bottom to determine the status of her diaper. It looks full on nutters, but really, it is easier than peeking in after pulling around her clothes.
- React strongly to stories about harm coming to other people's children. I saw this episode of Oprah the other day about children who were starved by their adoptive mother and I almost cried. On the weather channel yesterday, they had a story about a 5-month-old (the same age as the Bug) who was left in a hot car while his mother went to work and died. The mother said that anyone could do it, and I was outraged.
- Get hyperactive about food additives, and the latest chemical scary stuff. I would like to say that I have become the BPA avenger, attempting to remove anything containing BPA from the planet. Seriously, I would shoot it into space if I could. Except then it might hurt Martian children, and... well, see above.
- People who ask how old my son is, when she's in head to toe pink. Dang that peeves me more than I thought it would.
- Co-sleeping. I understand why sometimes it is the only way for everyone to get some sleep. That said, when we do it because the Bug is having a bout of night-time fussies, I don't get a good night's sleep, so I would rather not. Who knows, I might feel differently after we move and get our king-sized bed back.
- Stroller v. Baby wearing. Do what works. Share with people who ask for advice. I use both.
- Cloth diapers. I wanted to use them, the DH didn't. Said he wouldn't handle poop, wouldn't help with the washing. I'm not as irritated by disposables as I thought I would be.
- Separate meals for toddlers. Right now, I think it is a crime to feed children different food than parents eat. If in 2 years, I am fighting her to eat 2 bites of yogurt, I might change my mind.
- Buying a honkin' huge SUV to accommodate 2 kids. With one, my Forrester feels a bit crowded. But, it sure gets better gas mileage than the V6 I used to drive.
- Moving to another county just for the primo schools. If we stay in our current urban area, I strongly believe that the schools are fine. The magnet schools are better than fine. Why would I move when she could go to one of the country's top high schools?
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