Monday, May 3, 2010

Dog v. Baby

No, this isn't about a new Animal Planet special program. In a cage match, the Bug would totally win, because the dog would never have a chance-- I'd rip open the cage with my bare hands and rip off the dog's head. Clearly my human child is much more important to me than the furry one.

But... the dog was in my life long before she was. He gets me. He knows to hide when I start swearing, unless I'm in the kitchen, then he starts scavenging.

See, he's cute too. There are reasons he's easier than she is. There are ways they are similar. There are ways she's 1000 times better. So, this will be Mom Snark's first entry of lists.

Points for the dog:

1. I can put him in a crate and leave him unsupervised for a few hours.
2. He will sleep on my feet and keep me warm.
3. He's potty trained. (See next lists for the caveat to that)
4. He's just a dog. If he's upset or sick or unhappy, he's just a dog. I've never wanted to cry because he doesn't feel well.
5. I haven't had any nightmares about ways I can screw him up or injure him.
6. As he very rarely wears clothes, his laundry needs are considerably less.
7. If he kept me up all night for more than a night or two, I could just leave him and a bowl of water out in the yard.

Ways they're tied:

1. In both cases, I have to handle poo.
2. No matter how crappy I feel, I have to take care of their biological needs.
3. No matter how much I explain unpleasant things to them, they just don't get it. (Shots, leashes, car seats)
4. Both instinctively do sweet things that make me happy.
5. Both are capable of interfering with one's... um... romantic life.

Points for the Bug:

1. Eventually, "potty trained" for her means I won't have to handle poop.
2. Eventually, I'll be able to explain things to her... immunizations might still make her cry, but at least she'll understand it. (I cried when I got an MMR at the age of 22. In my defense, it was after having my blood drawn by the least competent student nurse they could have found. So, even when you understand, it might not make a difference on the crying.)
3. She's way cuter.
4. Eventually, walking the dog and handling his poop can be one of her chores. (Okay, not this dog, he probably won't live that long. But some theoretical future dog.)
5. Her biological messes are, at least for now, smaller and smell better.
6. She melts my heart at the most unexpected times just by being herself.

So clearly, the Bug wins, but in part because she is a long term investment. Getting up every three hours sucks, but watching her grow and change is pretty amazing.

Coming next time: some product reviews. (Don't worry, non-parents. These are some odd products that, on their surface, have very little to do with parenting. Mostly.)

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